she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
