my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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