I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
