I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
