I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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