it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
