So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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