wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
