It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
