So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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