I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
