probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
