I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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