The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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