U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
