so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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