just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
