I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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