theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
