What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
