Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
be right there i have to get my cape
Randomize
