I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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