I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
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what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
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i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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