we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
