oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
