How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
