I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
