he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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