I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
