I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
