Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
