I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
