i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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