a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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