I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wish there were birth control emojis
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
