i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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