i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it's great music for shaving your balls
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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