I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
