I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
