Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
