I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
