turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
