I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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