He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
