Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
