Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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