i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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