just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
