If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
