Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
