i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
