MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
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