i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
