she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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