Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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