we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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