just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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