I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
