How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
