Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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