Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I love you. Go after that dick
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
