my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
