clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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